James? No Doctor LOVE
by icyfire2
Summary: The Marauders are bored and James decides that becoming a Doctor is easy money. But what's this? Snape is a fashion victim and Lily has a rare snog dificiency disorder?
1. Default Chapter

Okay, this is probably the most stupid piece of junk you'll ever read, so before you prepare to flame this, don't read it. I did NOT make this up, but instead found it on a "Chums" site (spoof of Friends) and typed in the Marauders names. Yes I am aware that they're not muggles, but what the hell. And I KNOW I should be working on the ending to Trouble In Paradise, but. . . This only took a few minutes. Reviews, please!!  
  
~*~  
  
With much groaning and whimpering, the four Chums staggered back into the flat. Each one was sporting a disturbing array of bandages and plasters. They were all on crutches AND in wheelchairs.  
  
'That's the last time WE go to one of Vinnie Jones's parties!' said James.  
  
'Too true. That idiot actor friend of Vinnie's is just a madman. What was his name again? George Looney,' said Sirius.  
  
The four sat down as James remembered crazy actor George Looney showing off with his Doctor and Nurse skills that he'd picked up on his hit hospital drama series.  
  
Remus began taking off the bandages covering his entire face and said, 'It goes to show you though, anyone could be a doctor. It's easy money.'  
  
James jumped up and gasped after being hit by a revelation!  
  
'Oh my word,' bellowed Remus,' 'What's wrong with my face?! The surgery went wrong didn't it! I'm a freak! A mutant with a huge Frankenstein's monster forehead and googly eyes, aren't I?!'  
  
'Well, yeah, but you always have been,' said James puzzled. 'We haven't had surgery remember. I jumped up because I thought WE could operate on some famous people's wallets if we pretend we're doctors.'  
  
Peter, Sirius and Remus eyed James curiously.  
  
Then the image went wobbly to symbolise the passage of time.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
A few hours later the whole flat had been painted white and the Chums had installed lots of machines that go 'ping' to make the place look like a hospital emergency room.  
  
'So, this is Chums D.E.R. is it?' asked Sirius. 'The E is for Emergency, the R is for Room, what's the D for then?  
  
'Stop overworking the writer, Sirius,' snapped Peter.  
  
He, James and Sirius were dressed in white overalls with yellow washing up gloves on. Suddenly, Remus burst through the door pushing Snape in a shopping trolley.  
  
'Medical Emergency, Snape has multiple what-nots, deep thingumies and severe ooh-jermaflip trauma!'  
  
Remus didn't have a clue about most things, especially matters medical, but the brave hearted lad was giving it his best shot at being an over excited Ambulance Driver.  
  
'It's worse than that, just look how unfashionable Snape's clothes are!' shouted James.  
  
Snape had never been the trendiest pair of pants in life's knicker draw, but this was serious.  
  
'Get me four milligrams of designer sunglasses and two units of trendy micro-scooter. Also, nurse Peter, prepare Snape for surgery. I am going to remove that tank top and flared jeans and donate my very own manky trainers.' There was a dramatic burst of music from nowhere and the other Chums gasped in horror.  
  
'But. . . ' screamed Sirius.  
  
'Keep your upper case, oversized butt out of this, Black!' interrupted James. 'Snape is like the best friend I've never had. Now scrub up, people, it's time to operate!'  
  
The wall clock turned and Nurse Peter mopped James's brow as the operation went on.  
  
After ten hours of non-stop work to make Snape fashionable, the operation was over and a complete success. People were even starting to actually talk to Snape now.  
  
News soon spread of James's amazing surgical skills and all and sundry were banging on the chums flat for James's services.  
  
Lucius Malfoy even came in and begged James to cure the dire sick-smell- breath problem all people like him have.  
  
James didn't want to help, but had to due to his 'hippocrocodile oath'.  
  
Sirius even brought a teenage girl in for help and James managed to successfully remove the mobile phone stuck to her ear. She thanked James by saying, 'TNX.'  
  
'Please James, take a break,' begged Peter , 'You're overworked and delirious with fatigue! If you don't stop for a while you're going to make a serious medical error. . .'  
  
That was all Peter had a chance to say as the weary and overworked James had anaesthetised the unfortunate chum by mistake and removed an appendix, a semi-digested sausage roll and several major organs without even thinking.  
  
Despite this, James carried on operating without a break. His health was now at serious risk.  
  
The next day Sirius ran in with Lily in his arms. 'My goodness, James we have a dire emergency. Lily has collapsed with a rare snog deficiency disorder. You ARE Doctor Love. You must save Lily's life! Can you do it?'  
  
Still delirious with fatigue, James decided to act fast and played out a scene from Hamlet.  
  
Embarrassed by the show - and the poor acting - Sirius tapped James on the shoulder and explained what he meant by 'ACT NOW'.  
  
Quick as a flash James had Lily on the operating table and had prepped both doctor and patient's lips for kissing.  
  
'Good Luck Doctor James,' said Sirius.  
  
James took a deep breath, decided it was a bit whiffy, ate a mint, then took another breath.  
  
'So, me and Lily alone in the operating theatre. I feel as though, yes, I feel as though I'm going to. . .'  
  
'Kiss me?' groaned Lily. 'If you're gonna kiss me, James, you'd better be prepared to marry me too.'  
  
'Oh I'm ready alright!'  
  
They moved closer to kiss, but stopped when Snape popped up from behind the sofa and screamed.  
  
'Stop! I have uncovered that if you two kiss you will both die!' Your saliva is incompatible!'  
  
'Nooooooooo!' yelled James! And then they all freeze framed! 


	2. Alternate ending

**Alternate ending!!**

**So! If you didn't like how that ending. . . ended. . . Then here's a different one. **

**So forget everything that happened after,**

"**The next day Sirius ran in with Lily in his arms. 'My goodness, James we have a dire emergency. Lily has collapsed with a rare snog deficiency disorder. You ARE Doctor Love. You must save Lily's life! Can you do it?'"**

**and. . . read on. . .**

****

**James looked over at Sirius and Peter who were sterilising some mouthwash in preparation for the operation and they smiled weakly back. They knew how tired James was that one more minute operating could be his last. **

**Remus looked sadly at James, for he too knew the poor surgeon hadn't long left. **

**James paused and said, 'Do I kiss Lily and die of exhaustion, or do I let Lily die of not getting enough snogs?' **

**James made a decision.**

**  
An hour later Sirius, Remus and Peter sat glumly looking at the floor. Each one looked like he had all the remorse in the world in the hearts. **

**Then James walked through with a tray full of pop and crisps and said, 'Oh cheer up, so we missed Holby City while we were burying Lily. Not to worry, I taped it. Let's watch it now!' **

**  
'Hooraaaah!' said the other chums. **

**And all was well.**

And there we go! An alternate ending. 'Holby City' is a British hospital drama, btw. Like. . . E.R, I s'pose.

LoL. Don't ask why I'm doing these.


End file.
